Paul & Sue Hazelden
- Humour Page 9 -
Ten reasons why I never wash
- I was forced to wash as a child.
- People who wash are hypocrites: they think they are cleaner than everyone else.
- There are so many different kinds of soap, I just can't decide which one is best for me.
- I used to wash, but I got bored and stopped doing it.
- I only wash on special occasions, like Christmas and Easter.
- None of my friends wash.
- I'll start washing when I get older and dirtier.
- I don't have time to wash.
- The bathroom is never warm enough in Winter or cool enough in Summer.
- The people who make soap are only after your money.
Heard at Zurich Airport
This is a true anouncement from the Captain of a Lufthansa plane on 12 September 2008 at Zurich airport, translated from the German...
"Ladies and gentlemen - you're all on board, the plane is ready, and we could leave. Unfortunately the conditional tense won't help us get airborne. Traffic control say that we'll have to wait about half an hour because of the volume of traffic. I don't know about you, but I can't see that many aircraft movements. Perhaps I should get some glasses."
Visitors from the Future
(The 'Feedback' column in the New Scientist runs a competition every now and then. Feedback had noticed that switching on the Large Hadron Collider had sparked some speculation that this may create the right conditions to enable time travellers from the future to return to our own age. Combining this speculation with a Christmas twist, the Christmas 2008 competition was to tell what happened when three time travellers from the future arrived, bearing gifts. These stories were published in the Christmas issue.)
(From Justin Arthur:)
The visitors bring shiny beads, a mirror and a magnet. "They'll think we are wizards!" one is heard whispering to another.
(From Bob Steeper:)
A European research consortium - predominantly Scandinavian, French and German - bring a visitor from the future, who provides clear guidelines for good humanitanian social development, and in return takes a small quantity of seeds and environmental samples to aid future research.
An American project brings a horde of visitors who extract large quantities of minerals from present-day Earth, leaving bright trinkets with selected tribal leaders.
Both of these visitors bring news the the UK will dither over which research project to join, before finally making a brave choice to go it alone. Despite funding cuts, the equipment will be about to have been completed, and the UK's visitors are out there, somewhen.
(But the best was from David Malarky:)
"Hello, I'm from the future," said the creature as it jumped out of the Large Hadron Collider. "After the Bad Thing happened, life was pretty bad, but we've invented this thing called Fire and now life is pretty good. So I've brought you some Fire."
The second visitor announced that "after the Bad Thing and Fire we were very happy except for carrying heavy things. So we invented the Wheel and now life is almost perfect. So here's a wheel."
The third visitor declared that "life was almost perfect, but we still needed to work. Now we've invented something to abolish work, and it's called Money. You just pass it around, and apparently if you can pass it round quickly enough, it grows and grows and grows all by itself and nobody has to work at all. So I've brought you some Money."
From a Fox News Segment, A.D. 31
Popular liberal celebrity Jesus Christ has emerged with a brand new, radical agenda. Some of his most controversial ideas include the notion that free-market capitalism be abolished, at least in places of worship, a view that Christ violently outlined Saturday when he tried to incite a riot by overturning the tables being manned by successful, innovate entrepreneurs.
His anti-capitalist agenda is reflected by his ranting about the negative effects caused by a desire for money. He refuses to take a stand on the moral issues eating at the fabric of our society, namely prostitutes, who he believes shouldn't be stoned for their immoral ways.
He believes in a big government, something he demonstrated when he said that taxes should, indeed, be paid to Ceasar. Based on the number of people he's been healing, it's also quite apparent that Christ does not value the efficient free markets when it comes to health care.
Maybe this kind of attitude would be acceptable in Cuba, but we live in America. Here, we celebrate the values that promote self sufficiency and the idea: "Every man for himself!"
Prominent conservatives have shrugged off the seeming popularity of this man, and they like to point out his lack of experience when it comes to his time spent preaching the word of God. Further, he is being publicly insulted in numerous ways: from "an empty robe" to a "class-warring socialist."
Some of these people are calling for punitive measures due to inciting people to change their opinions on religion. As we all know, religious organizations are protected groups with traditional values that have always been respected and are above questioning from angry radicals. By daring to do this, Christ may be considered guilty of treason.
Fox News will bring you more on this man and his dangerous views in the coming weeks.
The Story of an Ant
This arrived as a PowerPoint, with lots of cartoons of the animals mentioned. But it works just as text...
Every day, a small ant arrived at work very early, starting work immediately.
She produced a lot, and was happy.
The Chief, a lion, was surprised to see that the ant was working without supervision.
He thought: if the ant can produce so much without supervision, wouldn't she produce even more if she had a supervisor?
So he recruited a cockroach who had extensive experience as supervisor and who was famous for writing excellent reports.
The cockroach's first decision was to set up a clocking-in attendance system.
He also needed a secretary to help him write and type his reports and...
... he recruited a spider, who managed the archives and monitored all phone calls.
The lion was delighted with the cockroach's reports and asked him to produce graphs to describe production rates and to analyse trends, so that he could use them for presentations at Board meetings.
So the cockroach had to buy a new computer and a laser printer and...
... recruited a fly to manage the IT department.
The ant, who had once been so productive and relaxed, hated this new plethora of paperwork and meetings which used up most of her time.
The lion came to the conclusion that it was high time to nominate a person to be in charge of the department where the ant worked.
The position was given to the cicada, whose first decision was to buy a carpet and an ergonomic chair for his office.
The new person in charge, the cicada, also needed a computer and a personal assistant, who he brought from his previous department, to help him prepare a Work and Budget Control Strategic Optimisation Plan.
The department had now become a sad place, where nobody laughed.
It was at that time that the cicada convinced the lion of the need to undertake a thorough review.
So he recruited the owl, a prestigious and renowned consultant, to carry out an audit and suggest solutions.
The owl spent three months in the department and came up with an enormous report, in several volumes, that concluded the department is overstaffed.
Guess who the lion fired first?
The ant, of course, because she "showed lack of motivation and had a negative attitude".
A guy is sitting at the bar
A guy is sitting at the bar enjoying a couple of drinks, when he hears a tiny voice say, "That's a very nice shirt you're wearing this evening."
He looks around and notices that the bar is nearly empty, and no one is talking to him. He shrugs it off and continues drinking. A couple of minutes pass, and he hears another tiny voice saying, "You look really handsome with your hair combed like that."
Once again, he looks around and realizes that no one is talking to him. He calls the bartender over and tells him about the voices. "What are they saying?" asks the bartender. The man tells him and the bartender replies, "Oh, don't worry. That's just the peanuts. They're complimentary."
I'm just outside town
(This is a cartoon from the wonderful 
xkcd, but it works as text.)
The picture: a man is driving a car.
The text: "I'm just outside town, so I should be there in fifteen minutes... Actually it's looking more like six days... No, wait, thirty seconds."
The caption: "The author of the Windows file copy dialog visits some friends."